a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
