if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
This can only be settled by a dance off.