I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.