someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
