i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I pour the whiskey from now on
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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