Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
