thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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