Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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