I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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