My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
