you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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