he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
