You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
