i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
do nipples grow back?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
