Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
