stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
