You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
