i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
