I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
he thought i was a dude.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
