We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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