you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
