My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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