I think I am morally bankrupt
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
