please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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