I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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