Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
