Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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