maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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