You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
