He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
