Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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