My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Just pee around me
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
