I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
