In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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