My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
We had to coat check the pizza.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
God I need to hump something, right now.
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