I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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