this boner is exhausting
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
