is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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