Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
So squirting runs in the family.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
