I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i just made my gag reflex go away.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
