Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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