Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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