i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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