Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
