I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
drinking out of a sandbucket again
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
