Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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