haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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