cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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