Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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