This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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