I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
