Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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