If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
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