On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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