The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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