hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
