On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
