My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize