Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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