I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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