Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
