im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
