I'm jealous of your bromance
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
